Relationships are the vehicle that best allows us to work out our issues. Our pains and fears. Our neediness. Our aggression. Our protective devices. It is where we most play out our reactionary or passive styles.

This is especially true in our familial and couple relationships

This article is based on my upcoming book:  Relationship Intelligence: Choose Your Ideal Partner, Improve Your Relationship, Heal Your Family Relationships 

which is an extension of Ch. 5 “Relationships” in my 1st book: Your Journey to Peace ...

Our Couple Relationships

What most of us look for in our intimate relationships is companionship, and for the other to love, help, and support us in life.  In our younger days, we may look for the right person to build a family with.  We may also look for a partner to offer us security. And from a human perspective, this is all fine.

However, from a higher, spiritual perspective, the purpose of all our relationships is for soul growth: to connect more fully to our True Self – so that we can live life coming from a place of LOVE.

In fact, all our interactions with others offer us opportunities to come from that place of love: to offer the qualities of love to others.  (See my post The Qualities of Love / the Qualities of Fear. The link is also at the end.

Because of the intimacy required, our relationships are

the best vehicle to work through our unprocessed hurts and pains from our past.

In our day-to-day life, any  Unconscious Influences we may hold, like neediness, defensiveness, or aggressive, controlling, or passive tendencies. naturally arise.

It is unprocessed hurts and pains from our past that caused us to create these Unconscious Influences to protect our hearts and psyches.

These, along with our individual personalities, differing ways of approaching life, and the various defensive and protective mechanisms we created to protect our hearts and psyches are what creates hurt feelings in us and conflicts with others.

Our couple relationships also often hold expectations that cannot be met. And our communication skills are often weak.

With presumed, unvoiced, or misunderstood expectations and poor communication we may get hurt feelings or react badly in frustration, and our unconscious, habitual responses rear their ugly head, and instead of coming from a place of love and understanding, we unknowingly invite conflict into our relationships.

Our relationships are actually set up to trigger our Unconscious Influences

by others pushing our buttons. This is why our relationships are often so difficult!

Unconscious Influence create havoc in our relationships. They cause us to navigate life from a place of fear, protectionism, defensiveness, and suspiciousness. We are overly sensitive and prone to blame to other for how we feel and for not understanding us.

The emotional instability and feelings of disempowerment created from past unhealed wounds or conflicting messages we received about love, create ineffective, habitual patterns of negative reactions and behaviors that cause hurt feelings for us and conflicts with others.

Our unaddressed wounds get triggered in our communications with others as we erroneously bring echoes of past hurts or fears into present issues or situations with others.

However, our sensitivities are often unfounded and off-point to the issue at hand.

To shift away from navigating life from this place of sensitivity and emotional instability, we must address the thoughts, feelings, reactions, and behaviors that cause us to feel bad, misunderstood, and that create the conflicts with those around us..

Spiritual Partnerships

We hold soul contracts with those closest to us to so we can help each other work through the conflicts that naturally arise in any close relationship.

In couple relationships we call this Spiritual Partnerships.

A true spiritual partnership consists of two evolving souls who understand the value in addressing the conflicts – and the feelings that create them – that arise in their relationship.

Each holds a safe place for the other to be vulnerable and work through their feelings, which are usually based in fear from past hurts or events.

Through a short process, we can connect the dots to get to the bottom of the fear that is still stuck in us – but that is from the past and holds no threat to us now. See my Worksheet: Connecting the Dots).

We look at our feelings, reactions, and behaviors so that we can understand their root cause and work to heal them, so that we can start to react to life from a place of love and as it presents itself now – without fears and insecurities from the past overshadowing the present.

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Within the sacredness of a spiritual partnership, we can learn to express ourselves – with calmness – instead of reacting aggressively or overly passively.

By properly and effectively expressing ourselves – by finding the words to express how we feel, we allow the other to see our heart – and our fears. We are allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.

Relationships: As We Evolve Our Relationships Improve - Part 1/3

Issues that come out in our couple relationships are opportunities to heal – and overcome any neediness, greed, and/or unloving or aggressive tendencies. Acknowledging, understanding, and working through our habitual responses remove the barriers to love.

As we remove the barriers to love,

💗We can feel love more easily.

💗We can express love more easily.

💗We are more confident.

💗We feel more empowered.

Coming from a place of love we create harmonious relationships.

And we can often even heal conflict-ridden ones. 

With a little self-reflection and the courage to look to understand why we feel, react, and act in certain ways around those close to us, we can heal this disconnect to our True Self.

Our habitual responses are fear-based. To connect to our True Self we must be heart-based.

To feel joy, be happy, feel empowered, and create harmonious relationships we must come from our heart-space. From a loving place. We can only do this when the barriers to love and removed.

Removing the barriers to love so that we can live life from our heart-space – from a place of love – is how we evolve.

Working towards healing our relationships is most often recommended. Of course, abusive situations are never to be tolerated.

The Chemistry We Feel With Another Can Have Many Purposes

The chemistry we feel with another is a soul calling. It may guide us towards our life partner, or not. Sometimes the chemistry people feel with each other does not necessarily have to end in a long or even short-term relationship.

We may have an unfinished lesson to learn with the other and we are only to get together for a time (a reason or a season), for a specific purpose, or to learn a lesson, and then move on.

The lessons show up as opportunities to come from … 💗a place of love, or 💗a place of empowerment.

The lesson may be to come from a place of love in our dealings with others when our personalities, idiosyncrasies, ways of navigating the world, and our Unconscious Influences clash. We are to learn to overcome any neediness, feeling hurt, or reacting or acting badly and in hurtful, aggressive, or overly-passive ways.

If the lesson is to learn to be more empowered, we are needing to react to another’s bad, disappointing, or hurtful attitude or behavior by calmly speaking our minds and making it clear that their attitude or behavior is unacceptable to us.

We may also need to learn how to properly vet partners – instead of letting our excitement and emotions overrule wise choices.

Learning to choose a good, loving, and supportive partner can be a big life lesson.  

And to better choose a loving partner, we must have a good sense of Self and feel empowered. 

We must always ensure that when entering into a relationship that we will feel loved, safe, and are treated kindly and with compassion so as to avoid conflict and drama. Ensuring Unconscious Influences. like neediness, do not take over, and allowing for enough time to get to know someone before becoming emotionally entangled helps avoid drama, conflicts, and hurt feelings.

Relationships create emotional entanglements and the unraveling from those based in neediness or left-over energetic pulls that hold drama usually carry much unpleasantness, emotional pain, and confusing pull-push scenarios.

As We Evolve, ALL Our Relationships Improve

As the effects of this Shift of consciousness Humanity is going through continues to encourage us to find joy, lightness in living, compassion, and understanding towards others.

We are starting to feel the impetus to overcome any Unconscious Influence we have that undermines our peace and happiness and/or creates conflict with others. As we continue to become more aware of our triggers and deal with our feelings and reactions all aspects of all our relationships will improve.

Current relationships will become healthier, as the conflicts that are rooted in neediness, seriousness, agendas, aggression, control, protective mechanisms, etc. will begin to dissolve.

Relationships: As We Evolve Our Relationships Improve - Part 1/3

As we start to become more mindful, those of us entering into new relationships will choose our partners more consciously and wisely. We will feel empowered enough to seek out people whose character, lifestyle, and values complement and align with ours.

These pairings will have many fewer conflicts than those based on neediness, controlling tendencies, or any other Unconscious Influence, but when conflicts do arise they will be resolved with calmness and integrity.

Children will benefit greatly from these attitudes. Many young parents today are already parenting consciously and embrace many of the concepts in Shefali Tsabary’s ground-breaking book, The Conscious Parent.


Read Part 2 on this series on relationships Relationships: Partnering Up Consciously, Separating Consciously  For Part 3, Relationships: Expectations and Conditional Love,  

– Rosemary McCarthy© Jan 2018, updated Oct 2018,

Sept 23, 2021, July 29,  2022, Oct 2023

My Published Books:  Your Journey to Peace …   Why We Are the Way We AreBook 1 in my new ‘Our Journeys to Peace’ Series.

For My Upcoming Books Due out Fall 2023:  Relationship Intelligence (Title was Relationships in an Evolving World).    Due out Winter 2023-24: Overcome Your Unconscious Influences, like Anger, Frustrations, Hurt Feelings, Blaming Others for Your Unhappiness

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