The hurts or conflicts that arise in our relationships are mostly due to Unconscious Influences that run our lives.
I say mostly, because for some, conflicts with friends or in our intimate relationships are due to a mismatch, or the relationship has served its purpose and we are meant to take our cues and move on.
For others, conflicts arise because one or the other is evolving more quickly, the relationship needs to shift and change to meet new circumstances, or one of the individuals is making life-altering changes that affect the relationship.
When we do not heed the signals and make the necessary adjustments, compromises, do a bit of self-reflection, or seek help for a relationship that is in the throws of shifts and changes, the hurts and conflicts will continue and worsen, and both parties suffer unnecessarily.
Sadly, sometimes a relationship even ends that could be saved and a family kept intact because of the inability of one or both or parties to face his or her part of its breakdown.
Except for when a relationship has played out and is intended to end, we are meant to work through our hurts and conflicts with those in our lives. This is spiritual growth – and what this time in Humanity’s evolution is asking of us.
Because it is not by only making peace with ourselves, but with all (including people) that upsets us, or that makes us feel bad, frustrates us, or angers us, that allows us to evolve.
This article is based on my current and upcoming books,
About Books HERE
One of the higher purposes of relationships, whether it be with a life-partner, a sibling, a parent-child or child-parent bond, an extended family member, a friend, or even a long-term working partnership, is for the Unconscious Influences of both parties to surface – for healing.
And except for the rare occasion where one party feels empowered in life and is the “light-holder” and stabilizer to the other as he or she works through a huge misalignment from their power base and feel and act from states of disempowerment, both in the relationship are usually misaligned to the same degree. These misalignments would not necessarily show up in the same way, but the degree of misalignment would be similar.
Being/Feeling Empowered vs Disempowered
Feeling empowered in life comes from being connected to our power base, which comes from a strong connection to our True Self – of “us-to-us.” (Our True Self is defined below, and I used the term as synonymous with Source energy, Spirit, higher Self, Creator, God, etc.).
This connection gives us our confidence allowing us to reach for what we want in life, while doing so with integrity and creating harmony with others and around us. We are able to become our Best Self. (Book 2 of my new “Our Journeys to Peace’ Series, Overcoming our Unconscious Influences– due out Fall 2020, helps us pave the way to becoming our Best Self. (About link also below).
When our connection to our True Self is strong, not only are we strong in ourselves, we don’t allow others to push their neediness onto us, take advantage of us, or emotionally manipulate us. Nor do we get unnecessarily involved in people’s dramas.
When we feel disempowered in life we are disconnected from our power base and our connection to our True Self – the “us-to-us” is weak.
This lack of connection breeds low self-confidence and we have trouble reaching for or achieving what we want in life and what makes us happy.
Having a low confidence level, we don’t stand up for ourselves – or we do so ineffectively. We may be indecisive, lack the courage to take risks and make things happen, and we may even undermine our efforts by making bad choices or backing away from opportunities.
Disempowered, we often feel at the beck and call
of others and circumstances.
This frustrates us, making us lash out at those around us,
which further distances us from our power-base.
As we take things personally, we often feel hurt by others’ words, actions, or inaction. We then either blame them for our unhappiness creating conflict in the relationship, or we internalize the feelings creating more inner-turmoil.
We all navigate life differently, and differences are a natural and healthy part of normal relationships. However, unless we have an understanding of this and can allow another their differences from us, accept the other’s different ways of going about life, and/or respect their differing opinions, conflicts and hurt feelings will ensue.
Expectations in Our Relationships
The expectations we bring into our relationship also have a major impact on whether our relationship with be harmonious or filled with hurt feelings and chaos.
When our connection to our True Self is strong we can easily deal with the different way the other approaches life and our expectations from the relationship are reasonable and above-board.
However, when our connection to our True Self is weak and the other’s personality or way of dealing with life is different than ours we often internalize this as an affront, and conflicts ensue.
Attempting to make up for the weak connection to our True Self we bring unconscious expectations into our relationships assuming the other will fill that void. When they don’t, we feel hurt, disappointed, and become disillusioned with the relationship.
These negative and unrealistic ways of dealing with others (and situations) come from unconscious influences we created at some point in our lives that play out in our attitudes and behaviors.
(Our True Self: Our Essence. Who we are at our core: the truth or memory of who you really are — free of any unconscious influences).
– © Rosemary McCarthy, from 2018, updated Sept 17, 2020.
See here for About Book 1 of my new ‘Our Journeys to Peace” Series, “Why We Are the Way We Are” Cover Image below
here for About my 1st book, “Your Journey to Peace, Bridging the Gap Between Religion, Spirituality, Psychology, and Science.” Cover Image below
here for About Book 2, Overcoming Our Unconscious Influences – due out Fall 2020. (Cover Image Below)
here for About Book 3, Relationships in an Evolving World – due out Winter 2020/21. (Cover Image Below)
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