When we have no true connection to the honesty of our feelings and the depths of the emotions they hold, we feel and react from unconscious influences that have no bearing upon current situations – rather than respond to what is presenting itself now.
When our feelings and reactions are based on unconscious influences, they are ineffective at giving us satisfying results in the present; nor do they bring us ultimate peace and happiness.
This post is from my upcoming book and Workshops: Overcome – Anger, Frustration, Hurt Feelings, Impatience, and Blaming Others for Your Unhappiness (working title). About Book HERE
It is also a companion post to Worksheet: Connecting the Dots to Our Feelings, Emotions, and Reactions,” See HERE to access.
Connecting the dots between what we are feeling and how we are reacting is scary stuff. It requires that we face our self. That we admit our vulnerabilities. Our fears. Our hurts. Our sensitivities.
However, doing so helps us to understand why our dealings with others may leave us feeling hurt, frustrated, or disappointed, or that our automatic reactions do not produce the results we want.
Further connecting the dots between our feelings and reactions – to their root causes helps us to overcome any hurt feelings or ineffective reactions or behaviors that do not give us satisfactory results.
Overcoming Our Unconscious Influences – is what my upcoming book is about.
About Book here
When we are frustrated, get our feelings hurt, or we react in ineffective ways like becoming angry, are critical, or blame another for how we feel, it is usually because …
- we held expectations of them that were unmet
- we are disappointed in them, or in a situation they created,
- our neediness caused us to be extra sensitive,
- we allowed their bad reactions to affect our state of mind
Whatever caused us to feel bad, they are all still our feelings. And we can do something about shifting them – and shift them we must!, Because it is in doing so that we begin to feel empowered and in control of our life.
Understanding our feelings,
and why we react in ineffective ways is empowering.
We often think others think like us, that their focus is where ours is, and that they place the same level of importance on the subject at hand that we do.
People do not; nor can they read our mind. Many of our issues with others are the result of bad communication, ineffective communication, or a lack of communication.
People don’t usually want to make us feel bad or disappoint us; they simply don’t realize they are doing so. They may feel and navigate life very differently we do.
No matter our differences, we all want to feel good and have peace in our life. And this not only looks different to us all, but we all also go about seeking it in different ways.
When promises are broken, or what we expect of another does not come about, we become disappointed in them and/or the situation they created.
We either get hurt feelings and hide and bury how we feel, or we lash out at them.
This often ties in with neediness and/or expectations, because when we are honestly connected to our emotions, we can deal with disappointments without creating inner turmoil, or outer drama.
Our neediness is something we must work through. Often, we don’t realize we are needy. We just want what we want – love, attention, validation, etc., and expect what we expect. Neediness is often tied to expectations, or, rather unmet expectations.
Another’s Bad Reactions:
Whenever we get upset because of another’s bad reactions, it is still our upset. And when both parties are upset, it is easy for a situation to become volatile. We can never force another to change their attitude or reactions, but we can change ours. And sometimes in doing so, we are the catalyst for them to change.
To get more satisfying results in our dealings with others,
we must ensure that any sense of volatility that has arisen is tamed.
When our normal response to disappointments, unmet expectations, or any situation that arises with another that does not please us is that we get hurt feelings and/or that we lash out at them in any way, a sense of volatility may have been created.
Once created, to lessen volatility, we have to consciously aim to do so.
This takes time, patience, and ensuring our further communications with the other are positive and uplifting, rather than fraught with negativity, dripping of neediness, or fueled by aggression.
Good Communication is the Cornerstone of Satisfying Dealings with Others
If our communication with another is lacking, ineffective, or we regularly miscommunicate, ensuring they are aware of our values, sensitives, and of our wants, desires, and preferences – and that they understand the importance of these to us goes a long way in us avoiding hurt feelings or reacting in ways that backfire on us.
However, in doing this, we must ensure the other hears us; this works better if we do so in a calm and peaceful way, rather than with judgment and blame.
Saying things like “it makes me feel so loved and valued when you take the time to really listen to me,” rather than saying “it makes me so mad when you don’t listen to me,” helps us get heard.
We are attempting to find our peace and happiness – and our sense of empowerment. And because it is our hurt feelings and ineffective responses we are attempting to address and work through, WE must get the ball rolling.
When hurts or conflicts have arisen, approaching the other in the most
non-threatening way is what gets us the best results.
We must not resort to anger, blame, judgment, or whining, as this would be counterproductive and keep any volatility alive.
Still, we cannot make the other hear us if they do not want to. They may simply be incapable or unwilling to do so. If that happens, we will feel further invalidated. However, try we must! We must let them know how we feel!
Opening up to another, and showing them our fears, sensitivities,
needs, and desires – showing them our vulnerabilities, is scary.
Still, this is part of honest, and effective communication – a skill so necessary
these days because of the potential for heightened emotions.
As we cannot force another to listen to us fully and/or to communicate effectively with us, we can only do our part. We can work on understanding our feelings, our emotions, and our reactions – so that we can do all we can to lessen what creates hurt feelings within us and misunderstandings or volatile situations with others.
(My companion worksheet, “Connecting the Dots to Our Feelings, Emotions, and Reactions” offers guidance to make the connections that will give you a better understanding of your emotions – so that you can override those that do not give you the results you want. See HERE to access).
– © Rosemary McCarthy, from Sept 2020, updated April 16, 2021.
See here for About Book 1 of my new ‘Our Journeys to Peace” Series, “Why We Are the Way We Are” Cover Images below
here for About my 1st book, “Your Journey to Peace, Bridging the Gap Between Religion, Spirituality, Psychology, and Science.”
here for About Book 2, Overcome – Anger, Frustration, Hurt Feelings, Impatience, and Blaming Others for Your Unhappiness (working title) – due out late Spring 2021.
here for About Book 3, Relationships in an Evolving World (working title) – due out Summer 2021.
See here for this blog page – with articles on various subjects related to our personal, collective, and cosmic journeys to peace.
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Copyright © Rosemary McCarthy, Sept 25, 2020, updated April 16, 2021. All rights Reserved. To copy, share, or distribute this article simply ensure the content is copied in its entirety, is unaltered, and is distributed freely and for no monetary or personal gain, and that this copyright notice and the link for the article and the website at https://www.spiritedfawnpublications.com/are included. You can contact me at: rosemary@