In part 1, I discussed how the hurts or conflicts that arise in our relationships are mostly due to Unconscious Influences – to habitual thought and reactionary patterns that run our lives.
In part 2, I discussed how our habitual thought and reactionary responses often do not get us the results we are looking for, and how they can create hurt feelings in us, and conflicts in our relationships.
In this part 3, I explain how neediness and passive responses also affect us, and I sum this 3 part article up by explaining how we can become aware of – and override any conditioned unconscious responses that may bring us initial satisfaction, but do not ultimately give us the results we want or the sense of peace, happiness, and harmonious relationships we yearn for.
But before I continue, I’d just like to mention that the main takeaway from this series is basically that:
Improving our connection to our True Self improves
– and deepens our connection to others. They are intertwined.
Passive responses come from feeling disempowered. Although passive responses may appear to be neutral, as there are no blatant outward signs, they are very different because passive responses hold an emotional component – just like aggressive ones.
Sometimes the hurts, feelings, disappointments, or perceived injustices are not voiced at all, while at other times they are, but are tinged with so much emotion and/or neediness that the other individual turns a blind ear.
In both cases, we are not heard. Either way, the emotions are internalized affecting both the individual and the relationship. These internalizations harm us because buried emotions add another layer to the cavern between “us and us,” and our connection to our True Self is further weakened.
This article is based on my books,
“Your Journey to Peace … ” and “Why We Are the Way We Are”
both are available in print and e-book from Amazon.
Passive responses harm the relationship because as our true feelings are not voiced (or heard) we have not addressed the hurt or disappointment we feel, and we remain inwardly angry towards the other for not understanding or taking into consideration our feelings, or seeing our viewpoint.
And if we are do try to make ourselves heard but are ineffective, before we approach the subject again, reflecting on our approach last time and possibly adjusting it could help us getting heard this time.
We can ask ourselves:
- Are we being needy – only thinking about our needs and perspective?
- Are we negative – only focusing on what is wrong or may go wrong?
- Are we overly emotional – crying at any perceived slight or criticism?
- Could we be acting passive-aggressively – sighing or putting on a sad face rather than sharing our thoughts or feelings?
Whether we elect these attitudes because we don’t like to speak our mind, are unable to articulate or feel embarrassed by what we feel, or are simply trying to keep the peace against an aggressive person, passive attitudes do not bring long-term solutions.
Overly passive attitudes are dishonest and come from fear, they do not come from being aligned with love. Being honest is one of love’s qualities.
Overly passive responses keep our emotions buried. Not only is the issue not addressed or resolved, but the approach may even backfire, as buried feelings come out – one way or another – and may one day cause a major blow-up from where there is no turning back.
Passive responses create and increase the cavern between “us-and-another,” because until we address and resolve the issue with them that caused the feelings we buried, each future interaction is tainted. Hurts remain at the forefront of our emotions and any new or positive communication has to work hard to get through them.
We can certainly live happy and fulfilling lives without being
completely in touch with our True Self (always aligned to Source),
or are fully enlightened. In fact, most of us do.
Very few of us are completely connected to Source, so most of us are somewhat misaligned from the feelings of unconditional love that elicit only harmonious and effective attitudes, reactions, and behaviors.
However, it is how we allow our misalignments to affect us … and how we allow them to affect our attitudes towards and communications with others that dictate how much harmony we will have in our life.
This is why some hurt and conflict exist in most relationships. And these misalignments show up in many ways and to many degrees. Anger, defensiveness, control tendencies, hurt feelings, blame.
However, the closer we are to our own True Self, the less anger and hurt feelings we will incite in others, and the easier we can let others’ misalignments from love roll off our shoulders.
Effectively Navigating Conflicts
When conflicts do ensue, if we can navigate them with compromise and compassion, keep our disparaging emotions at bay, forgive how the other’s misalignments show up, and accept their idiosyncrasies, we can easily live a harmonious life.
It helps to be aware of our unconscious influences, or at least make peace with how our misalignments show up, otherwise, there will always be the cavern between “us-and-us” as we are not living close enough to our core – we are living superficially, with no connection to our True Self – to the truth of who we are.
This causes us to relate superficially to others.
A cavern will always exist between “us-and-others” until we close that gap between “us-and-us” – until we connect more fully to our True Self and live life from the well of love within it.
– © Rosemary McCarthy from 2019, updated March 18, 2021.
See here for About Book 1 of my new ‘Our Journey to Peace’ Series, “Why We Are the Way We Are.” Cover Images below
here for About “Your Journey to Peace, Bridging the Gap Between Religion, Spirituality, Psychology, and Science.”
here for About Book 2 in the series, Overcome: Anger, Frustration, Impatience, Hurt Feelings, Control, and Blaming Others for Our Unhappiness – due out late Spring 2021
here for About Book 3, Relationships in an Evolving World (working title)- due out Summe 2021l
Copyright © Rosemary McCarthy from 2019, updated March 18th, 2021, All rights Reserved. To copy, share, or distribute this article simply ensure the content is copied in its entirety, is unaltered, and is distributed freely and for no monetary or personal gain, and that this copyright notice and the link for the article and the website www.spiritedfawnpublications.com are included. You can contact me firstname.lastname@example.org Blessings, and thank you kindly. Rosemary ? ?