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Our Emotional World

Relationships: As We Evolve Our Relationships Improve – Part 1/3

2023-10-10T20:51:00+00:00

(I am currently setting up a Coaching Program "Choose Your Ideal Partner", which will include a private Facebook Group, Live workshops in Montreal starting October 21, 2023, + Online Workshops in November. Contact me at: rosemary@yourjourneytopeace.com for more information. Rosemary💗) Relationships are the vehicle that best allows us to work out our issues. Our pains and fears. Our neediness. Our aggression. Our protective devices. It is where we most play out our reactionary or passive styles. This is especially true in our familial and couple relationships This article is based on my upcoming book:  Relationship Intelligence: Choose Your Ideal Partner, Improve Your Relationship, Heal Your Family Relationships  which is an extension of Ch. 5 "Relationships" in my 1st book: Your Journey to Peace ... Our Couple Relationships What most of us look for in our intimate relationships is companionship, and for the other to love, help, and support us in life.  In our younger days, we may look for the right person to build a family with.  We may also look for a partner to offer us security. And from a human perspective, this is all fine. However, from a higher, spiritual perspective, the purpose of all our relationships is for soul growth: to connect more fully to our True Self - so that we can live life coming from a place of LOVE. In fact, all our interactions with others offer us opportunities to come from that place of love: to offer the qualities of love to others.  (See my post The Qualities of Love / the Qualities of Fear. The link is also at the end. Because of the intimacy required, our relationships are the best vehicle to work through our unprocessed hurts and pains from our past. In our day-to-day life, any  Unconscious Influences we may hold, like neediness, defensiveness, or aggressive, controlling, or passive tendencies. naturally arise. It is unprocessed hurts and pains from our past that caused us to create these Unconscious Influences to protect our hearts and psyches. These, along with our individual personalities, differing ways of approaching life, and the various defensive and protective mechanisms we created to protect our hearts and psyches are what creates hurt feelings in us and conflicts with others. Our couple relationships also often hold expectations that cannot be met. And our communication skills are often weak. With presumed, unvoiced, or misunderstood expectations and poor communication we may get hurt feelings or react badly in frustration, and our unconscious, habitual responses rear their ugly head, and instead of coming from a place of love and understanding, we unknowingly invite conflict into our relationships. Our relationships are actually set up to trigger our Unconscious Influences - by others pushing our buttons. This is why our relationships are often so difficult! Unconscious Influence create havoc in our relationships. They cause us to navigate life from a place of fear, protectionism, defensiveness, and suspiciousness. We are overly sensitive and prone to blame to other for how we feel and for not understanding us. The emotional instability and feelings [...]

Relationships: As We Evolve Our Relationships Improve – Part 1/32023-10-10T20:51:00+00:00

Understanding Our Feelings, Emotions, and Reactions

2021-04-16T20:13:26+00:00

When we have no true connection to the honesty of our feelings and the depths of the emotions they hold, we feel and react from unconscious influences that have no bearing upon current situations – rather than respond to what is presenting itself now. When our feelings and reactions are based on unconscious influences, they are ineffective at giving us satisfying results in the present; nor do they bring us ultimate peace and happiness. This post is from my upcoming book and Workshops: Overcome - Anger, Frustration, Hurt Feelings, Impatience, and Blaming Others for Your Unhappiness (working title). About Book HERE It is also a companion post to Worksheet: Connecting the Dots to Our Feelings, Emotions, and Reactions,” See HERE to access. Connecting the dots between what we are feeling and how we are reacting is scary stuff. It requires that we face our self. That we admit our vulnerabilities. Our fears. Our hurts. Our sensitivities. However, doing so helps us to understand why our dealings with others may leave us feeling hurt, frustrated, or disappointed, or that our automatic reactions do not produce the results we want. Further connecting the dots between our feelings and reactions – to their root causes helps us to overcome any hurt feelings or ineffective reactions or behaviors that do not give us satisfactory results. Overcoming Our Unconscious Influences - is what my upcoming book is about. About Book  here  When we are frustrated, get our feelings hurt, or we react in ineffective ways like becoming angry, are critical, or blame another for how we feel, it is usually because  ... we held expectations of them that were unmet we are disappointed in them, or in a situation they created, our neediness caused us to be extra sensitive, we allowed their bad reactions to affect our state of mind Whatever caused us to feel bad, they are all still our feelings. And we can do something about shifting them – and shift them we must!, Because it is in doing so that we begin to feel empowered and in control of our life. Understanding our feelings, and why we react in ineffective ways is empowering. Unmet Expectations: We often think others think like us, that their focus is where ours is, and that they place the same level of importance on the subject at hand that we do. People do not; nor can they read our mind. Many of our issues with others are the result of bad communication, ineffective communication, or a lack of communication. People don't usually want to make us feel bad or disappoint us; they simply don't realize they are doing so. They may feel and navigate life very differently we do. No matter our differences, we all want to feel good and have peace in our life. And this not only looks different to us all, but we all also go about seeking it in different ways. Being Disappointed: When promises are broken, or what we expect of another does [...]

Understanding Our Feelings, Emotions, and Reactions2021-04-16T20:13:26+00:00

The Cavern Between You and Others – Is In Direct Relationship Between You and You – 3/3

2021-04-01T00:29:47+00:00

In part 1, I discussed how the hurts or conflicts that arise in our relationships are mostly due to Unconscious Influences  – to habitual thought and reactionary patterns that run our lives. In part 2, I discussed how our habitual thought and reactionary responses often do not get us the results we are looking for, and how they can create hurt feelings in us, and conflicts in our relationships. In this part 3, I explain how neediness and passive responses also affect us, and I sum this 3 part article up by explaining how we can become aware of – and override any conditioned unconscious responses that may bring us initial satisfaction, but do not ultimately give us the results we want or the sense of peace, happiness, and harmonious relationships we yearn for. You can read  Part 1 HERE   Part 2 HERE  But before I continue, I'd just like to mention that the main takeaway from this series is basically that: Improving our connection to our True Self improves – and deepens our connection to others. They are intertwined.  Passive Responses: Passive responses come from feeling disempowered. Although passive responses may appear to be neutral, as there are no blatant outward signs, they are very different because passive responses hold an emotional component – just like aggressive ones. Sometimes the hurts, feelings, disappointments, or perceived injustices are not voiced at all, while at other times they are, but are tinged with so much emotion and/or neediness that the other individual turns a blind ear. In both cases, we are not heard. Either way, the emotions are internalized affecting both the individual and the relationship. These internalizations harm us because buried emotions add another layer to the cavern between “us and us,” and our connection to our True Self is further weakened. This article is based on my books, “Your Journey to Peace … ” and “Why We Are the Way We Are” both are available in print and e-book from Amazon. Link to About Books       Link to Amazon. Passive responses harm the relationship because as our true feelings are not voiced (or heard) we have not addressed the hurt or disappointment we feel, and we remain inwardly angry towards the other for not understanding or taking into consideration our feelings, or seeing our viewpoint. And if we are do try to make ourselves heard but are ineffective, before we approach the subject again, reflecting on our approach last time and possibly adjusting it could help us getting heard this time. We can ask ourselves: Are we being needy – only thinking about our needs and perspective? Are we negative – only focusing on what is wrong or may go wrong? Are we overly emotional – crying at any perceived slight or criticism? Could we be acting passive-aggressively – sighing or putting on a sad face rather than sharing our thoughts or feelings? Whether we elect these attitudes because we don’t like to speak our mind, are unable to articulate or [...]

The Cavern Between You and Others – Is In Direct Relationship Between You and You – 3/32021-04-01T00:29:47+00:00

Attaining Peaceful Honesty

2023-03-29T02:30:02+00:00

Most of us have at least encountered moments of peace and even pure bliss. Some of us feel peaceful most of the time. Others of us vacillate between feeling peaceful and being worried, stressed, or even fearful. While others of us can rarely access feeling peaceful – never mind feel blissful. Whenever we experience life from a peaceful place, we are living connected to our soul – to our True Self. Connected to our soul, we are in touch with our emotional world. Peaceful Honesty is a concept from my first book, Your Journey to Peace ..., Connected to our True Self we are in touch with our emotional world and are open, honest, and fearless. We are authentic. We have no need to hide our feelings, desires, dreams, hurts, pains, or fears. Nor do we feel the need to defend, react, or attack. We trust life and the insights that come to us. Disconnected from our True Self and our honest feelings and emotions we cannot tap into feelings of peacefulness, as we are living life at a surface level – and at the beck and call of our Unconscious Influences. Any negative or hurtful experiences we are still holding onto or any from our past we that we keep buried influence how we approach life.  Unconscious Influences cause us to live mind-centered and from a place of fear, suspiciousness, and protectionism. Living mind and fear-centered, we are disconnected from our TRUE feelings – and are afraid to show – or even acknowledge our vulnerabilities.  being mind-centered causes us to bring echoes of the past into present circumstances. These echoes of the past created stories in our minds about how life should be and how others should be towards us. We then create expectations based on these stories that have nothing to do with what is happening in the present. We may be afraid to show our vulnerabilities, but they come out anyway in covert ways – by our reactions and behaviors. We, therefore, navigate life from a closed, limited, superficial, reactionary, defensive, and dishonest place. To access that feeling of Peaceful Honesty, we must be open and able to express our fears and vulnerabilities. Once we acknowledge, look at, and work through the real cause of our current anxieties, disappointments, or anger and we clear away the cobwebs from our past that are causing these, our fears dissipate and we open the door to living in Peaceful Honesty. Peaceful Honesty The term Peaceful Honesty came to me one morning about 10 years ago, as I awoke with an intensely peaceful feeling. It was as though every breath I took that morning went deep down into the core of my being. For years I had worked on acknowledging, accessing, and releasing much of my old, buried hurts and feelings. By the time this feeling of Peaceful Honesty came upon me that morning, I had unraveled many layers that lay between me and my True Self, and the peace that was lying beneath them started [...]

Attaining Peaceful Honesty2023-03-29T02:30:02+00:00

Worksheet: Connecting the Dots to My Inner – and Outer Reactions and their Root Cause

2021-10-06T12:44:41+00:00

Negative or inappropriate reactions are the result of living on the surface level of our emotional world. We are either disconnected from our current emotions out of fear of what we may find, or we are unaware that Unconscious Influences - past emotional upsets or hurts are running our lives and causing us to feel bad or react badly. This post is a companion to my article Understanding the Unconscious Influences that Run Our Lives Having no true connection to the honesty of our feelings and the depth of our emotions, we react from unconscious emotional states that have no bearing upon others or current situations - rather than respond to what is really happening. Connecting the dots between what we are feeling and how we are reacting can help us overcome negative, inappropriate,  and ineffective attitudes and behaviors. Worksheet: Connecting the Dots to My Inner - and Outer Reactions and their Root Cause ?Always take a few moments to center yourself, ask your Higher Self, God, Spirit - of any diety you adhere to join you in understanding -  and overcoming what is causing you difficulties. Write out your thoughts - and what comes to you regarding what you are trying to understand and/or heal about yourself and your communications with others.  Here are a few examples. You may see yourself here; if not, you'll get the idea. We are looking at the real causes of our upsets or issues with others - so that we can get to the root causes and gain more understandin- enabling us to shift to healthier ways of dealing with our feelings and reactions with others. Example # 1: I Get Hurt Feelings: He/she forgot. I feel he/she doesn’t love, value, or appreciate me. I don’t feel loved, valued, or appreciated. Connecting the Dots: (You may see yourself in some - or all of these) I feel hurt when others don't show me love, appreciation, or  meet my expectations (Were your expectations voiced,  or heard by the other?) I need love, appreciation, and validation from people (I feel frustrated and unloved when I don't get validated for my efforts or the love I give) Others haven’t always loved, valued, or appreciated me. ( the 1st Ah-ha moment that connects back to past feelings of being unloved or appreciated) The big Ah-ha moment: I recognize now that I am projecting the lack of love and validation that I felt in the past into present circumstances and am putting unfair expectations on those around me. As well as my personal development, self-help, and spiritual writing, I am also a copywriter and offer many types of writing services My Writing Services.  Example # 2: I am impatient and fly off the handle easily: I'm always busy and have lots to do. I don't have time for anything that delays my plans. I am impatient with people who are calm. It's not my fault - I just get caught up in things. Connecting the Dots: (You may [...]

Worksheet: Connecting the Dots to My Inner – and Outer Reactions and their Root Cause2021-10-06T12:44:41+00:00

It’s Not Me–It’s You. It’s Not You–It’s Me. It’s Both. It’s Neither – Newsletter October 2021

2021-12-07T13:19:25+00:00

When we come from a place of It's Not Me – It's You, we project our fears and feelings onto the other. Ultimately, we are all responsible for the feelings that arise in us. Projecting our feelings back at the other is an attempt to deflect owning our feelings. And rather than get angry, defensive, or blame the other – it is more productive to respond calmly.  When we come from a place of It's Not You – It's Me, we internalize how the other made us feel. We are also responsible for any feelings we internalize, bury, and hide from the other. And rather than allowing our emotions to stew and later erupt or morph into passive-aggressive attitudes or behaviors, it is more productive to speak up calmly – but confidently. Later, we can look to understand why we allow another to make us feel bad and how we allow them to treat us in the way they do. (Sign-Up  to receive my Free Monthly Newsletter where I cover a variety of subjects related to our personal development). ✍?As well as my Spiritual and Personal Development Writing, I am also a Copywriter/Digital Marketing and I offer Various Writing Services. My Writing Services Page ✍? Whether we project or internalize, we take personally what the other said, did, didn’t say, didn’t do, or how they reacted or didn’t react. Don’t take things personally is one of the four agreements from ...  My Recommended Book of the Month is The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. When People Disagree or One Feels Hurt, or Gets Disappointed or Disillusioned ?It's Both of Us: because when issues arise, both are coming from a place of misalignment from love. One is unaware that they are feeling bad because of their misalignment; the other is unaware that they are behaving in hurtful ways that stem from their misalignment. And ... ?It's Neither of Us: Our true reality is that we are love. However, we are disconnected from that love. So, when issues arise, both are coming from a place of misalignment from that love – unaware that they are simply feeling bad or acting out from that place of misalignment. With this understanding that It Is Both of Us – and – It Is Neither of Us – and knowing that each is unaware that they are feeling or reacting from this place of misalignment, it is easier to understand and forgive how the other is showing up. To shift from It's Not Me–It's You – or – It's Not You–It's Me” – to – “It’s Both – It’s Neither” we must … ? Come from a place of honesty and authenticity within ourselves ? Bring the qualities of love – calmness, compassion, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance, and harmony to the other. And to get there, it helps to … ? Remember that we are all somewhat misaligned from our true reality – from the love we are at our core ? Recognize that you cannot always feel love and [...]

It’s Not Me–It’s You. It’s Not You–It’s Me. It’s Both. It’s Neither – Newsletter October 20212021-12-07T13:19:25+00:00

Worksheet: Connecting the Dots to Our Feelings, Emotions and Reactions

2021-06-10T19:10:53+00:00

This is a companion post to “Understanding Our Feelings, Emotions, and Reactions,” See HERE to access. Always start with a small two-minute meditation/prayer/attunement. Invite in your Best Self, True Self, Higher Self, Spirit, Holy Spirit, Buddha, Jesus, or any other deity to join with you as you aim for self-understanding. This ensures we do so only for our highest good. When we feel hurt, or are angry or frustrated with another(s), it is our feelings of anger. So, we must address or deal with it. We either turn these inwards and allow the feelings to fester, or we project them outwards toward others, either way, both hurt us in the long run. You can use this worksheet for when you: 1) feel hurt or bad in any way in your dealings with another,    or 2) when you react to people in ways that create conflict, or do not get you the results you want. Acknowledging and putting words to our feelings and reactions helps get to the crux of the matter – so we can effectively deal with it. You can use the few examples I give below as guidance or inspiration for your own self-understanding. Get paper and pen and try to pinpoint — with words how you felt: hurt, angry, frustrated, less than, etc., and/or how with another you reacted badly or in an ineffective way. We can only ever work on our part of any issue.  Below,  we will name the feelings and/or reactions that may be keeping us from feeling happy and peaceful, and from allowing for harmonious relationships. Later, we can connect the dots to the reason behind our feelings and reactions. Eg 1: Ways I May Feel Hurt or Frustrated: He/she forgot. He/she disappointed me – again. I feel hurt when others don’t keep their promises to me. I feel hurt when others don’t show appreciation for my efforts. I feel frustrated others don't meet my expectations. I get frustrated when he/she/they don’t listen to me. I feel hurt when he/she ignores my wants, desires, opinions. I feel hurt when he/she/they don’t say or show that they value, appreciate, or respect me. I feel less than when he/she yells at me, is impatient with me, or treats me badly. Fill in your own. Use the person’s name, and give a specific circumstance. Eg. 2: When I May React Badly or Ineffectively You can use any of the examples from above; here are a few others that focus more on not getting enough or proper help from another that may cause us to react badly or aggressively.   He/she doesn’t listen to me. I don’t get enough help. I have to do everything. I don’t feel appreciated for all I do. There is never enough time for all there is to do. When I ask for help, they won’t help, or they don’t do it right. Fill in your own. Use the person’s name, and give a specific circumstance. Copyright © Rosemary McCarthy, Sept 25, 2020, [...]

Worksheet: Connecting the Dots to Our Feelings, Emotions and Reactions2021-06-10T19:10:53+00:00

?Our Evolution and Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs – Newsletter Message, July 2022

2022-08-04T23:06:11+00:00

Individuals – and our planet are on an upward evolutionary trajectory. We are reaching the pinnacle of our evolution. Up until recently, and for eons, we were in survival mode – concerned about our Physical and Safety needs: the bottom two rungs of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. (See list of levels below). This is my July 2022 Newsletter Message. You can sign-up or read past messages HERE Maslow's basic premise in his hierarchy of needs is that we must satisfy the needs on one rung before we can concern ourselves with the needs on the next rung. We Have Stepped Off the 2nd Rung of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Starting in the last century, we have been moving past the everyday concerns of our physical and safety needs noted on the bottom two rungs. And as our natural impulse is grow, evolve, and better ourselves, we have been seeking more satisfaction and meaning in our lives. This impulse to grow is not just for ourselves, but extended out into the world. All my Writing is Based on Concepts in My Books ?I also offer a variety of writing services See My Writing Services Page (You can also find links to related posts at the end) We are starting to feel inspired to be fair, compassionate, and understanding of others, help the disenfranchised, be more considerate of our world's animals, and be gentler towards the planet. Just like us, our planet is a living, breathing organism. She is our home. Our mother. Our individual evolutions and that of the planet are related and intertwined. The Indigenous people of the world have always known this. We would be wise to listen to their take on our connection to Mother Earth and how to look after our home? Satisfying Our Needs of the Top Levels of Maslow's Hierarchy Most of us are now living to satisfy the needs of one – or more than one rung – on of the top three levels of Maslow's pyramid. ?Level 1:  Our Physiological Needs ? Level 2: Our Safety Needs ?Level 3: Loving/Belonging ?Level 4: Esteem ? Level 5: Self-actualization Although we don't move fully into the next level until the current one is completely satisfied, many of the elements in the top three rungs are intertwined. This is why we can attempt to satisfy some of the needs on all three levels simultaneously. As we manage and arrange our lives and look for satisfaction and meaning, we may be attempting to satisfy our needs on, ? Level 3: Loving/Belonging. We may be on our way to mastering – or struggling to meet the needs noted on this level – to become more loving and able to create a sense of belonging with others and within society. Life will be giving us opportunities – and challenging us to help us satisfy the need for love and belonging. ?Level 4: Esteem. We may be on our way to mastering – or struggling to satisfy the needs noted [...]

?Our Evolution and Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs – Newsletter Message, July 20222022-08-04T23:06:11+00:00

Unconscious Influences that Run Our Lives

2023-10-11T04:51:31+00:00

Our Unconscious Influences are our attitudes, biases, habitual thought and reactive patterns, and the inner beliefs that we unknowingly erected from past experiences, what we witnessed, and/or appropriated from others that are now part of our emotional makeup. Our Unconscious Influences can have a positive effect on our lives and perceptions, or a negative one, And they act upon us without our consent. If our Unconscious Influences are negative, they may cause us to misperceive things, others, or situations and trigger us to think and act in automatic, habitual, aggressive, or protective ways. When our Unconscious Influences hold false perceptions, we develop needs to try to uphold them and strategies to defend them.  We project these onto others or different situations in many ways. See below for the link to my companion post "Worksheet: Connecting the Dots ..." A Few Examples of how Our Unconscious Influences May Play Out If our early life was characterized by an impoverished background and powerlessness, we may... 🔸Have constructed attitudes and belief systems to avoid being poor so that we do not feel disempowered in our in life. These may manifest as a strong need to be successful in life - no matter what ... and 🔸Push everyone in our lives aside. 🔸We may align only with successful people or those we deem can help us get ahead. 🔸We may marry for money. Although many of us may have dreamt of marrying for money—after all having an easy lifestyle is very appealing, most of us don’t fall into that trap. 🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸 If a sense of victimization typified our early life experience as a result of having maybe, an abusive parent, we may ... ?Have become controlling or overly aggressive to avoid being hurt or becoming a victim in life. ?When overly aggressive, we cause conflict in our relationships. ?If our innate character is quiet we may have internalized these earlier hurtful emotions and become passive-aggressive as a protective strategy. Further internalizing new hurts and pains, we become more disempowered in life. 🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸 This post is based in concepts in my books, Your Journey to Peace  ..., and Why We Are the Way We Are  About my Books I also offer a variety of Writing Services 🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸 Here's a Personal Example My mother was a 1950s housewife who was unhappy, distant, and morose. She alienated herself from life and didn’t find joy in anything. Because my father was an aggressive, loud bully, she fell into a poor-me, passive, victim mentality. (She actually had many medical issues, including an unrelated thyroid all her life that affected her, but I didn't know that when growing up. I was hurt by her being emotionally distant, and I hated her morose, poor-me attitudes. So, when I married at nineteen and had my first child just as I turned twenty-three, I decided there was NO WAY I was going to be a meek housewife; I associated this with being weak and a victim of one’s circumstances. While that was a [...]

Unconscious Influences that Run Our Lives2023-10-11T04:51:31+00:00

Love Is A Decision – Newsletter, November 2021.

2021-12-23T13:24:59+00:00

This month's theme, Creating Loving Feelings, is from an essay I wrote a few years ago for The Love Foundation, for which I received an honorable mention?. I have tweaked it a little to reflect the Holiday Season and the impact the current state of the world may be having on us and our emotional world. Sign-up to receive my future messages - and read past ones Most of us aspire to feel good, be positive, and express love out into the world. However, sometimes we cannot feel love in our hearts – at least not enough to be joyful, happy, and contented, or loving towards others. Even if we are usually calm, loving, and are a positive person, personal stress and stresses from outside sources – like what we have recently been experiencing with the restrictions put upon us – dull our senses. Feelings of joy and happiness and our sense of aliveness may weaken. For many of us, our ability to connect to loving feelings is fragile and can easily be upset. ??? All my blog posts are from themes in my books, Your Journey to Peace …, and Why We Are the Way We Are,- which offer the reader valuable insights that can help them feel more peaceful and contented and improve their relationships - as well as my upcoming books, Overcome Your Unconscious Influences – due out early 2022, and Relationship Intelligence – due out Spring 2022. ??? We were created to live connected to love, effortlessly tapping into joy, and naturally expressing love – and its supportive qualities like fairness, sharing, and compassion outwards into the world. See my post The Qualities of Love. However, at some point in humanity's history, negativity arose. As this played out, our connection to positive and uplifting ways of experiencing and expressing life weakened. As time passed, harmful and disempowering ways of approaching life and others became the norm: our default position. Because of what we experienced, or were exposed to in the past, our connection to loving feelings may be weak. or even blocked ?Some of us were victims of how the negativity played out in others. As they abused, criticized, or belittled us, or were unsupportive of us emotionally, mentally, or physically, our hearts hardened, and we unconsciously erected protective and defensive mechanisms to protect our hearts and emotional world. ?Others of us inherited the negative ways of being from our families and cultures. We learned to view the world through a lens of judgment, biases, and competition: to battle rather than be compassionate and cooperative. To be suspicious of others different than us. Whatever caused us to disconnect from loving feelings, the protective and defensive mechanisms we erected, or any judgment, biases, and competitive ways of approaching life we adopted, habitual reactions and limiting beliefs became entrenched in our being. I call these Our Unconscious Influences. These influences that run our lives – without our conscious consent – are based on fear. They are energetically heavy [...]

Love Is A Decision – Newsletter, November 2021.2021-12-23T13:24:59+00:00

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