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Our Feelings

Worksheet: Connecting the Dots to My Inner – and Outer Reactions and their Root Cause

2021-10-06T12:44:41+00:00

Negative or inappropriate reactions are the result of living on the surface level of our emotional world. We are either disconnected from our current emotions out of fear of what we may find, or we are unaware that Unconscious Influences - past emotional upsets or hurts are running our lives and causing us to feel bad or react badly. This post is a companion to my article Understanding the Unconscious Influences that Run Our Lives Having no true connection to the honesty of our feelings and the depth of our emotions, we react from unconscious emotional states that have no bearing upon others or current situations - rather than respond to what is really happening. Connecting the dots between what we are feeling and how we are reacting can help us overcome negative, inappropriate,  and ineffective attitudes and behaviors. Worksheet: Connecting the Dots to My Inner - and Outer Reactions and their Root Cause ?Always take a few moments to center yourself, ask your Higher Self, God, Spirit - of any diety you adhere to join you in understanding -  and overcoming what is causing you difficulties. Write out your thoughts - and what comes to you regarding what you are trying to understand and/or heal about yourself and your communications with others.  Here are a few examples. You may see yourself here; if not, you'll get the idea. We are looking at the real causes of our upsets or issues with others - so that we can get to the root causes and gain more understandin- enabling us to shift to healthier ways of dealing with our feelings and reactions with others. Example # 1: I Get Hurt Feelings: He/she forgot. I feel he/she doesn’t love, value, or appreciate me. I don’t feel loved, valued, or appreciated. Connecting the Dots: (You may see yourself in some - or all of these) I feel hurt when others don't show me love, appreciation, or  meet my expectations (Were your expectations voiced,  or heard by the other?) I need love, appreciation, and validation from people (I feel frustrated and unloved when I don't get validated for my efforts or the love I give) Others haven’t always loved, valued, or appreciated me. ( the 1st Ah-ha moment that connects back to past feelings of being unloved or appreciated) The big Ah-ha moment: I recognize now that I am projecting the lack of love and validation that I felt in the past into present circumstances and am putting unfair expectations on those around me. As well as my personal development, self-help, and spiritual writing, I am also a copywriter and offer many types of writing services My Writing Services.  Example # 2: I am impatient and fly off the handle easily: I'm always busy and have lots to do. I don't have time for anything that delays my plans. I am impatient with people who are calm. It's not my fault - I just get caught up in things. Connecting the Dots: (You may [...]

Worksheet: Connecting the Dots to My Inner – and Outer Reactions and their Root Cause2021-10-06T12:44:41+00:00

Attaining Peaceful Honesty

2023-03-29T02:30:02+00:00

Most of us have at least encountered moments of peace and even pure bliss. Some of us feel peaceful most of the time. Others of us vacillate between feeling peaceful and being worried, stressed, or even fearful. While others of us can rarely access feeling peaceful – never mind feel blissful. Whenever we experience life from a peaceful place, we are living connected to our soul – to our True Self. Connected to our soul, we are in touch with our emotional world. Peaceful Honesty is a concept from my first book, Your Journey to Peace ..., Connected to our True Self we are in touch with our emotional world and are open, honest, and fearless. We are authentic. We have no need to hide our feelings, desires, dreams, hurts, pains, or fears. Nor do we feel the need to defend, react, or attack. We trust life and the insights that come to us. Disconnected from our True Self and our honest feelings and emotions we cannot tap into feelings of peacefulness, as we are living life at a surface level – and at the beck and call of our Unconscious Influences. Any negative or hurtful experiences we are still holding onto or any from our past we that we keep buried influence how we approach life.  Unconscious Influences cause us to live mind-centered and from a place of fear, suspiciousness, and protectionism. Living mind and fear-centered, we are disconnected from our TRUE feelings – and are afraid to show – or even acknowledge our vulnerabilities.  being mind-centered causes us to bring echoes of the past into present circumstances. These echoes of the past created stories in our minds about how life should be and how others should be towards us. We then create expectations based on these stories that have nothing to do with what is happening in the present. We may be afraid to show our vulnerabilities, but they come out anyway in covert ways – by our reactions and behaviors. We, therefore, navigate life from a closed, limited, superficial, reactionary, defensive, and dishonest place. To access that feeling of Peaceful Honesty, we must be open and able to express our fears and vulnerabilities. Once we acknowledge, look at, and work through the real cause of our current anxieties, disappointments, or anger and we clear away the cobwebs from our past that are causing these, our fears dissipate and we open the door to living in Peaceful Honesty. Peaceful Honesty The term Peaceful Honesty came to me one morning about 10 years ago, as I awoke with an intensely peaceful feeling. It was as though every breath I took that morning went deep down into the core of my being. For years I had worked on acknowledging, accessing, and releasing much of my old, buried hurts and feelings. By the time this feeling of Peaceful Honesty came upon me that morning, I had unraveled many layers that lay between me and my True Self, and the peace that was lying beneath them started [...]

Attaining Peaceful Honesty2023-03-29T02:30:02+00:00

It’s Not Me–It’s You. It’s Not You–It’s Me. It’s Both. It’s Neither – Newsletter October 2021

2021-12-07T13:19:25+00:00

When we come from a place of It's Not Me – It's You, we project our fears and feelings onto the other. Ultimately, we are all responsible for the feelings that arise in us. Projecting our feelings back at the other is an attempt to deflect owning our feelings. And rather than get angry, defensive, or blame the other – it is more productive to respond calmly.  When we come from a place of It's Not You – It's Me, we internalize how the other made us feel. We are also responsible for any feelings we internalize, bury, and hide from the other. And rather than allowing our emotions to stew and later erupt or morph into passive-aggressive attitudes or behaviors, it is more productive to speak up calmly – but confidently. Later, we can look to understand why we allow another to make us feel bad and how we allow them to treat us in the way they do. (Sign-Up  to receive my Free Monthly Newsletter where I cover a variety of subjects related to our personal development). ✍?As well as my Spiritual and Personal Development Writing, I am also a Copywriter/Digital Marketing and I offer Various Writing Services. My Writing Services Page ✍? Whether we project or internalize, we take personally what the other said, did, didn’t say, didn’t do, or how they reacted or didn’t react. Don’t take things personally is one of the four agreements from ...  My Recommended Book of the Month is The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. When People Disagree or One Feels Hurt, or Gets Disappointed or Disillusioned ?It's Both of Us: because when issues arise, both are coming from a place of misalignment from love. One is unaware that they are feeling bad because of their misalignment; the other is unaware that they are behaving in hurtful ways that stem from their misalignment. And ... ?It's Neither of Us: Our true reality is that we are love. However, we are disconnected from that love. So, when issues arise, both are coming from a place of misalignment from that love – unaware that they are simply feeling bad or acting out from that place of misalignment. With this understanding that It Is Both of Us – and – It Is Neither of Us – and knowing that each is unaware that they are feeling or reacting from this place of misalignment, it is easier to understand and forgive how the other is showing up. To shift from It's Not Me–It's You – or – It's Not You–It's Me” – to – “It’s Both – It’s Neither” we must … ? Come from a place of honesty and authenticity within ourselves ? Bring the qualities of love – calmness, compassion, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance, and harmony to the other. And to get there, it helps to … ? Remember that we are all somewhat misaligned from our true reality – from the love we are at our core ? Recognize that you cannot always feel love and [...]

It’s Not Me–It’s You. It’s Not You–It’s Me. It’s Both. It’s Neither – Newsletter October 20212021-12-07T13:19:25+00:00

Worksheet: Connecting the Dots to Our Feelings, Emotions and Reactions

2021-06-10T19:10:53+00:00

This is a companion post to “Understanding Our Feelings, Emotions, and Reactions,” See HERE to access. Always start with a small two-minute meditation/prayer/attunement. Invite in your Best Self, True Self, Higher Self, Spirit, Holy Spirit, Buddha, Jesus, or any other deity to join with you as you aim for self-understanding. This ensures we do so only for our highest good. When we feel hurt, or are angry or frustrated with another(s), it is our feelings of anger. So, we must address or deal with it. We either turn these inwards and allow the feelings to fester, or we project them outwards toward others, either way, both hurt us in the long run. You can use this worksheet for when you: 1) feel hurt or bad in any way in your dealings with another,    or 2) when you react to people in ways that create conflict, or do not get you the results you want. Acknowledging and putting words to our feelings and reactions helps get to the crux of the matter – so we can effectively deal with it. You can use the few examples I give below as guidance or inspiration for your own self-understanding. Get paper and pen and try to pinpoint — with words how you felt: hurt, angry, frustrated, less than, etc., and/or how with another you reacted badly or in an ineffective way. We can only ever work on our part of any issue.  Below,  we will name the feelings and/or reactions that may be keeping us from feeling happy and peaceful, and from allowing for harmonious relationships. Later, we can connect the dots to the reason behind our feelings and reactions. Eg 1: Ways I May Feel Hurt or Frustrated: He/she forgot. He/she disappointed me – again. I feel hurt when others don’t keep their promises to me. I feel hurt when others don’t show appreciation for my efforts. I feel frustrated others don't meet my expectations. I get frustrated when he/she/they don’t listen to me. I feel hurt when he/she ignores my wants, desires, opinions. I feel hurt when he/she/they don’t say or show that they value, appreciate, or respect me. I feel less than when he/she yells at me, is impatient with me, or treats me badly. Fill in your own. Use the person’s name, and give a specific circumstance. Eg. 2: When I May React Badly or Ineffectively You can use any of the examples from above; here are a few others that focus more on not getting enough or proper help from another that may cause us to react badly or aggressively.   He/she doesn’t listen to me. I don’t get enough help. I have to do everything. I don’t feel appreciated for all I do. There is never enough time for all there is to do. When I ask for help, they won’t help, or they don’t do it right. Fill in your own. Use the person’s name, and give a specific circumstance. Copyright © Rosemary McCarthy, Sept 25, 2020, [...]

Worksheet: Connecting the Dots to Our Feelings, Emotions and Reactions2021-06-10T19:10:53+00:00

Relationships: As We Evolve Our Relationships Improve – Part 1/3

2022-07-30T03:34:06+00:00

Relationships are the vehicle that best allows us to work out our issues. Our pains and fears. Our neediness. Our aggression. Our protective devices. It is where we most play out our reactionary or passive styles. This is especially true in our familial and couple relationships This article is based on ch. 5 "Relationships" in Your Journey to Peace ... Our Couple Relationships What most of us look for in our intimate relationships is companionship, and for the other to love, help, and support us in life.  In our younger days, we may look for the right person to build a family with.  We may also look for a partner to offer us security. And from a human perspective, this is all fine. However, from a higher, spiritual perspective, the purpose of all our relationships is for soul growth: to connect more fully to our True Self - so that we can live life coming from a place of LOVE. In fact, all our interactions with others offer us opportunities to come from that place of love: to offer the qualities of love to others.  (See my post The Qualities of Love / the Qualities of Fear. The link is also at the end. Because of the intimacy required, our relationships are the best vehicle to work through our unprocessed hurts and pains from our past. In our day-to-day life, any  Unconscious Influences we may hold, like neediness, defensiveness, or aggressive, controlling, or passive tendencies. naturally arise. It is unprocessed hurts and pains from our past that caused us to create these Unconscious Influences to protect our hearts and psyches. These, along with our individual personalities, differing ways of approaching life, and the various defensive and protective mechanisms we created to protect our hearts and psyches are what creates hurt feelings in us and conflicts with others. Our couple relationships also often hold expectations that cannot be met. And our communication skills are often weak. With presumed, unvoiced, or misunderstood expectations and poor communication we may get hurt feelings or react badly in frustration, and our unconscious, habitual responses rear their ugly head, and instead of coming from a place of love and understanding, we unknowingly invite conflict into our relationships. Our relationships are actually set up to trigger our Unconscious Influences - by others pushing our buttons. This is why our relationships are often so difficult! Unconscious Influence create havoc in our relationships. They cause us to navigate life from a place of fear, protectionism, defensiveness, and suspiciousness. We are overly sensitive and prone to blame to other for how we feel and for not understanding us. The emotional instability and feelings of disempowerment created from past unhealed wounds or conflicting messages we received about love, create ineffective, habitual patterns of negative reactions and behaviors that cause hurt feelings for us and conflicts with others. Our unaddressed wounds get triggered in our communications with others as we erroneously bring echoes of past hurts or fears into present issues or situations with others. However, our sensitivities are [...]

Relationships: As We Evolve Our Relationships Improve – Part 1/32022-07-30T03:34:06+00:00

? Saying “I Love You” – December 2022 Newsletter Message

2023-02-03T22:20:29+00:00

This is from my December Monthly Newsletter Message. ????? February's Message will be " "What Would Love Do." Sign-up to Receive it. You Can Read Past Ones there too. The words I love you are very powerful. They touch the heart of the recipient. However, not everyone can say the words. They may feel love for the other, but cannot bring themselves to express it verbally. Its as if the words are stuck in their throat. Saying I love you is often learned from our birth family as it may have been normal to regularly say the words. And even for those who grew up in a family where saying I love you wasn’t the norm, we may still be able to verbally express love later in life – if we have a strong enough heart connection. The stronger our heart connection, the more we can feel love in our hearts and come from a place of love, and the easier it is to express love – in all its ways, including verbally. The More Love We Feel in Our Hearts, the Easier it Is For Us to Express Love – Including Words The purest form of saying I love you comes from our heart-space and being unafraid to be vulnerable. Saying I love you makes us vulnerable because we are opening our hearts – and the other may not reciprocate the love we are expressing. But the purest form of expressing love to another requires no reciprocation. However, most of us get hurt feelings or confused if another does not reciprocate our expressions of love. Sometimes they may not feel it, but most likely, the other has not returned the feelings because they cannot. Still, even if it feels awkward to say the words or it makes you feel uncomfortable or vulnerable, uttering them will benefit you greatly. Our Words Are Powerful. They Are Like Mantras Mantras are valuable because they anchor the meaning of the words into our being – into our heart-space. The more often we make an effort to connect to or express love, the more we connect to our heart-space. And the more we connect to our heart-space, the easier it is to express love – in all its forms. (See my blog post The Qualities of Love) Words are most powerful when felt deeply in our hearts. But even words whispered to ourselves or forced words voiced have benefits – because we are making an effort. The “fake it till you make it” concept has value. So, if you are uncomfortable saying I love you to others, there are many ways to get the energy of it in you – so that you can override any blocks to verbally expressing your love. This - and my February message are excerpts from my upcoming book, Relationship Intelligence ... – due out later this Winter. See my Published and Upcoming Books Practice saying the words when alone – and repeat them many times, ?Out loud to [...]

? Saying “I Love You” – December 2022 Newsletter Message2023-02-03T22:20:29+00:00

What Would Love Do?

2023-02-28T18:38:09+00:00

What Would Love Do? is a concept I came across when studying A Course in Miracles. We can ask What Would Love Do? regarding ourselves, others, and situations. Our responses to what happens to us, to situations with others, or to issues that crop up are what dictate how we will feel once whatever is happening is past. ? If we come from a place of love – and express love’s qualities (understanding, compassion, etc., there is a link below to my post on Love's Qualities) we will feel better. Calmer. And we will be able to deal with anything that needs our attention with more clarity. We will get on our day feeling light. ? If we allow our mind to focus on the negativity of it all:  he/she did – didn’t do xyz, it’s not fair, or this should not have happened and anger or frustration take over, or we resort to judgment, blame, or revenge - or any type of aggression we will carry the dense energy of this with us throughout the day. We are only ever coming from a place of Love, or a place of Fear. Read my related post, the Qualities of Love / the Qualities of  Fear.  If we want to better ourselves - or to feel better, we must approach life differently than we were. In my past and before I started doing personal development work (I didn't even know that term), I  just wanted to find peace in my life. A feeling had started to grow in me that there was something wrong with the picture of my life -  of how I was navigating life. That it was not others - but me - who were causing my unhappiness and frustrations.  Not me-me - but that somehow I was missing the mark. And so, my journey to peace (the name and themes of my books) began. Slowly, I began to realize that my frustrations and what I was feeling were not about the others - what they were or weren't doing. It was all coming from within me. I learned that my perceptions of others and situations were not reality - and that I brought past hurts, feelings, biases, and beliefs into present situations.   From these echoes of the past and their beliefs and biases, I created protection mechanisms and default ways of responding to life. I call these Our Unconscious Influences (see below for info on my upcoming book 2, Overcome Your Unconscious Influences ... in my "Our Journeys to Peace' Series). I had started to understand that based on what I experienced or witnessed when growing up, I had been projected my fears of what was or what might happen onto the present.  I allowed actions and innocent remarks to echo in my mind as proof that I would be criticized, wronged, stepped-on, and/or disempowered – just like my mother and many women of the 50’s generation were. All my Articles / Blog Posts are based on my [...]

What Would Love Do?2023-02-28T18:38:09+00:00

Show Your Vulnerability (True Feelings) Instead of Anger, Newsletter #54, Sept 2022

2023-01-12T00:59:01+00:00

This post is from my September 2022 Newsletter message.  Sign up or Read  my past messages. When we become frustrated, get hurt feelings, or another disappoints us, our default is often to react with anger or to lash out at the other in some way. And although we may feel some satisfaction at getting our frustrations out, reacting with anger, criticism, judgment, bullying – or any other aggressive way is counterproductive to giving us the ultimate results we are looking for. So is being passive-aggressive and burying our feelings. We all want to feel loved. And we all want to feel we matter to our loved ones. These are some of the many ways we feel the love and that our loved ones care about us. We all want to be understood, appreciated, listened to, and have our loved ones respect our wishes and do what they said they would do. When we feel frustrated or hurt and get angry at someone, one, some, or all of the above ways we might feel loved are not being met. However, rather than expressing how we truly feel in an attempt to get what we ultimately want, we lash out at the other. And often, we are not even in touch with our true feelings and have lost a connection to what we ultimately want. We are caught in a habitual pattern of reacting – and projecting our frustrations outward towards the other. Getting in Touch with Your True Feelings – and what You Ultimately Want For those of us not used to showing our true feelings – of being vulnerable, it is scary to step onto that ledge. Most of us who are used to hiding our true feelings, or no longer have a connection to them, have had our feelings trampled upon in the past to such a degree that we clammed up. We may have been bullied, belittled, shushed, or our feelings ignored. Maybe we were made to feel our feelings were unimportant or didn’t matter, or were told they were silly and childish when we expressed them. Physical or emotional abuse also makes our hearts close because our past experience tells us we cannot trust others and life. This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, Relationship Intelligence ... – due out later this winter. See My Published and Upcoming Books Whatever happened in our past to turn our heart cold will cause us to keep our feelings to ourselves. Past hurts may also have caused us to unconsciously bury our feelings so that we cannot tap into them enough to find the words to express them. We unconsciously created a barrier to our heart, and its feelings nature, to protect it from further pain. When protecting our hearts, our default is to project our pain outward towards the other with anger, criticism, blame, etc. – rather than reaching out from our hearts and showing our true feelings. We are afraid to be vulnerable by putting our hearts [...]

Show Your Vulnerability (True Feelings) Instead of Anger, Newsletter #54, Sept 20222023-01-12T00:59:01+00:00

Understanding the Unconscious Influences that Run Our Lives

2022-05-27T21:24:53+00:00

Our Unconscious Influences are our attitudes, biases, habitual thought and reactive patterns, and the inner beliefs that we unknowingly erected from past experiences, what we witnessed, and/or appropriated from others that are now part of our emotional makeup. Our Unconscious Influences can have a positive effect on our lives and perceptions, or a negative one, And they act upon us without our consent. If our Unconscious Influences are negative, they may cause us to misperceive things, others, or situations and trigger us to think and act in automatic, habitual, aggressive, or protective ways. When our Unconscious Influences hold false perceptions, we develop needs to try to uphold them and strategies to defend them.  We project these onto others or different situations in many ways. See below for the link to my companion post "Worksheet: Connecting the Dots ..." A Few Examples of how Our Unconscious Influences May Play Out If our early life was characterized by an impoverished background and powerlessness, we may... ?Have constructed attitudes and belief systems to avoid being poor so that we do not feel disempowered in our in life. These may manifest as a strong need to be successful in life - no matter what ... and ?Push everyone in our lives aside. ?We may align only with successful people or those we deem can help us get ahead. ?We may marry for money. Although many of us may have dreamt of marrying for money—after all having an easy lifestyle is very appealing, most of us don’t fall into that trap. ??????? If a sense of victimization typified our early life experience as a result of having maybe, an abusive parent, we may ... ?Have become controlling or overly aggressive to avoid being hurt or becoming a victim in life. ?When overly aggressive, we cause conflict in our relationships. ?If our innate character is quiet we may have internalized these earlier hurtful emotions and become passive-aggressive as a protective strategy. Further internalizing new hurts and pains, we become more disempowered in life. ??????? This post is based in concepts in my books, Your Journey to Peace  ..., and Why We Are the Way We Are  About my Books I also offer a variety of Writing Services ??????? Here's a Personal Example My mother was a 1950s housewife who was unhappy, distant, and morose. She alienated herself from life and didn’t find joy in anything. Because my father was an aggressive, loud bully, she fell into a poor-me, passive, victim mentality. (She actually had many medical issues, including an unrelated thyroid all her life that affected her, but I didn't know that when growing up. I was hurt by her being emotionally distant, and I hated her morose, poor-me attitudes. So, when I married at nineteen and had my first child just as I turned twenty-three, I decided there was NO WAY I was going to be a meek housewife; I associated this with being weak and a victim of one’s circumstances. While that was a [...]

Understanding the Unconscious Influences that Run Our Lives2022-05-27T21:24:53+00:00

Love Is A Decision – Newsletter, November 2021.

2021-12-23T13:24:59+00:00

This month's theme, Creating Loving Feelings, is from an essay I wrote a few years ago for The Love Foundation, for which I received an honorable mention?. I have tweaked it a little to reflect the Holiday Season and the impact the current state of the world may be having on us and our emotional world. Sign-up to receive my future messages - and read past ones Most of us aspire to feel good, be positive, and express love out into the world. However, sometimes we cannot feel love in our hearts – at least not enough to be joyful, happy, and contented, or loving towards others. Even if we are usually calm, loving, and are a positive person, personal stress and stresses from outside sources – like what we have recently been experiencing with the restrictions put upon us – dull our senses. Feelings of joy and happiness and our sense of aliveness may weaken. For many of us, our ability to connect to loving feelings is fragile and can easily be upset. ??? All my blog posts are from themes in my books, Your Journey to Peace …, and Why We Are the Way We Are,- which offer the reader valuable insights that can help them feel more peaceful and contented and improve their relationships - as well as my upcoming books, Overcome Your Unconscious Influences – due out early 2022, and Relationship Intelligence – due out Spring 2022. ??? We were created to live connected to love, effortlessly tapping into joy, and naturally expressing love – and its supportive qualities like fairness, sharing, and compassion outwards into the world. See my post The Qualities of Love. However, at some point in humanity's history, negativity arose. As this played out, our connection to positive and uplifting ways of experiencing and expressing life weakened. As time passed, harmful and disempowering ways of approaching life and others became the norm: our default position. Because of what we experienced, or were exposed to in the past, our connection to loving feelings may be weak. or even blocked ?Some of us were victims of how the negativity played out in others. As they abused, criticized, or belittled us, or were unsupportive of us emotionally, mentally, or physically, our hearts hardened, and we unconsciously erected protective and defensive mechanisms to protect our hearts and emotional world. ?Others of us inherited the negative ways of being from our families and cultures. We learned to view the world through a lens of judgment, biases, and competition: to battle rather than be compassionate and cooperative. To be suspicious of others different than us. Whatever caused us to disconnect from loving feelings, the protective and defensive mechanisms we erected, or any judgment, biases, and competitive ways of approaching life we adopted, habitual reactions and limiting beliefs became entrenched in our being. I call these Our Unconscious Influences. These influences that run our lives – without our conscious consent – are based on fear. They are energetically heavy [...]

Love Is A Decision – Newsletter, November 2021.2021-12-23T13:24:59+00:00

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