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Self-help

Show Your Vulnerability (True Feelings) Instead of Anger, Newsletter #54, Sept 2022

2023-01-12T00:59:01+00:00

This post is from my September 2022 Newsletter message.  Sign up or Read  my past messages. When we become frustrated, get hurt feelings, or another disappoints us, our default is often to react with anger or to lash out at the other in some way. And although we may feel some satisfaction at getting our frustrations out, reacting with anger, criticism, judgment, bullying – or any other aggressive way is counterproductive to giving us the ultimate results we are looking for. So is being passive-aggressive and burying our feelings. We all want to feel loved. And we all want to feel we matter to our loved ones. These are some of the many ways we feel the love and that our loved ones care about us. We all want to be understood, appreciated, listened to, and have our loved ones respect our wishes and do what they said they would do. When we feel frustrated or hurt and get angry at someone, one, some, or all of the above ways we might feel loved are not being met. However, rather than expressing how we truly feel in an attempt to get what we ultimately want, we lash out at the other. And often, we are not even in touch with our true feelings and have lost a connection to what we ultimately want. We are caught in a habitual pattern of reacting – and projecting our frustrations outward towards the other. Getting in Touch with Your True Feelings – and what You Ultimately Want For those of us not used to showing our true feelings – of being vulnerable, it is scary to step onto that ledge. Most of us who are used to hiding our true feelings, or no longer have a connection to them, have had our feelings trampled upon in the past to such a degree that we clammed up. We may have been bullied, belittled, shushed, or our feelings ignored. Maybe we were made to feel our feelings were unimportant or didn’t matter, or were told they were silly and childish when we expressed them. Physical or emotional abuse also makes our hearts close because our past experience tells us we cannot trust others and life. This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, Relationship Intelligence ... – due out later this winter. See My Published and Upcoming Books Whatever happened in our past to turn our heart cold will cause us to keep our feelings to ourselves. Past hurts may also have caused us to unconsciously bury our feelings so that we cannot tap into them enough to find the words to express them. We unconsciously created a barrier to our heart, and its feelings nature, to protect it from further pain. When protecting our hearts, our default is to project our pain outward towards the other with anger, criticism, blame, etc. – rather than reaching out from our hearts and showing our true feelings. We are afraid to be vulnerable by putting our hearts [...]

Show Your Vulnerability (True Feelings) Instead of Anger, Newsletter #54, Sept 20222023-01-12T00:59:01+00:00

What Would Love Do?

2022-08-01T02:25:50+00:00

What Would Love Do? is a concept I came across when studying A Course in Miracles. We can ask What Would Love Do? regarding ourselves, others, and situations. Our responses to what happens to us, to situations with others, or to issues that crop up are what dictate how we will feel once whatever is happening is past. 💚 If we come from a place of love – and express love’s qualities (understanding, compassion, etc., there is a link below to my post on Love's Qualities) we will feel better. Calmer. And we will be able to deal with anything that needs our attention with more clarity. We will get on our day feeling light. 💚 If we allow our mind to focus on the negativity of it all:  he/she did – didn’t do xyz, it’s not fair, or this should not have happened and anger or frustration take over, or we resort to judgment, blame, or revenge - or any type of aggression we will carry the dense energy of this with us throughout the day. We are only ever coming from a place of Love, or a place of Fear. Read my related post, the Qualities of Love / the Qualities of  Fear.  If we want to better ourselves - or to feel better, we must approach life differently than we were. In my past and before I started doing personal development work (I didn't even know that term). I just wanted to find peace in my life. A feeling had started to grow in me that there was something wrong with the picture of my life -  of how I was navigating life. That it was not others - but me - who were causing my unhappiness and frustrations.  Not me-me - but that somehow I was missing the mark. And so, my journey to peace (the name and themes of my books) began. Slowly, I began to realize that my frustrations and what I was feeling were not about the others - what they were or weren't doing. It was all coming from within me. I learned that my perceptions of others and situations were incorrect - and that I brought past hurts, feelings, biases, and beliefs into present situations.   From these echoes of the past and their beliefs and biases, I created protection mechanisms, and default ways of responding to life followed. I call these Our Unconscious Influences (see below for info on my upcoming book 2, Overcome Your Unconscious Influences ... in my "Our Journeys to Peace' Series). Based on what I experienced or witnessed when growing up, I started to understand that I projected my fears of what was or what might happen onto the present.  I allowed actions and innocent remarks to echo in my mind as proof that I would be criticized, wronged, stepped-on, and/or disempowered - just like my mother and many women of the 50's generation were. All my Articles / Blog Posts are based on my books. About My [...]

What Would Love Do?2022-08-01T02:25:50+00:00

Attaining Peaceful Honesty

2022-05-26T12:55:19+00:00

Most of us have at least encountered moments of peace and even pure bliss. Some of us feel peaceful most of the time. Others of us vacillate between feeling peaceful and being worried, stressed, or even fearful. While others of us can rarely access feeling peaceful – never mind feel blissful. Whenever we experience life from a peaceful place, we are living connected to our soul – to our True Self. Connected to our soul, we are in touch with our emotional world. Peaceful Honesty is a concept from my first book, Your Journey to Peace ..., Connected to our True Self and in touch with our emotional world, we are open, honest, and fearless. We are authentic. We have no need to hide our feelings, desires, dreams, hurts, pains, or fears. Nor do we feel the need to defend, react, or attack. We trust life and the insights that come to us. When disconnected from our True Self and our honest feelings and emotions we cannot tap into feelings of peacefulness, as we are living life at a surface level - and at the beck and call of our Unconscious Influences. Any negative or hurtful experiences we are still holding onto or any from our past we that we keep buried influence how we approach life. Unconscious Influences cause us to live mind-centered and from a place of fear, suspiciousness, and protectionism. Living mind and fear-centered, we are disconnected from Our true feelings – afraid to show – or even acknowledge our vulnerabilities. Being mind-centered causes us to bring echoes of the past into present circumstances. These echoes of the past created stories in our minds about how life should be and how others should be towards us. We then create expectations based on these stories that have nothing to do with what is happening in the present. We may be afraid to show our vulnerabilities, but they come out anyway in covert ways – by our reactions and behaviors. We, therefore, navigate life from a closed, limited, superficial, reactionary, defensive, and dishonest place. To access that feeling of Peaceful Honesty, we must be open and able to express our fears and vulnerabilities. Once we acknowledge, look at, and work through the real cause of our current anxieties, disappointments, or anger and we clear away the cobwebs from our past that are causing these, our fears dissipate and we open the door to living in Peaceful Honesty. Peaceful Honesty The term Peaceful Honesty came to me one morning about 10 years ago, as I awoke with an intensely peaceful feeling. It was as though every breath I took that morning went deep down into the core of my being. For years I had worked on acknowledging, accessing, and releasing much of my old, buried hurts and feelings. By the time this feeling of Peaceful Honesty came upon me that morning, I had unraveled many layers that lay between me and my True Self, and the peace that was lying beneath them started to [...]

Attaining Peaceful Honesty2022-05-26T12:55:19+00:00

Understanding the Unconscious Influences that Run Our Lives

2022-05-27T21:24:53+00:00

Our Unconscious Influences are our attitudes, biases, habitual thought and reactive patterns, and the inner beliefs that we unknowingly erected from past experiences, what we witnessed, and/or appropriated from others that are now part of our emotional makeup. Our Unconscious Influences can have a positive effect on our lives and perceptions, or a negative one, And they act upon us without our consent. If our Unconscious Influences are negative, they may cause us to misperceive things, others, or situations and trigger us to think and act in automatic, habitual, aggressive, or protective ways. When our Unconscious Influences hold false perceptions, we develop needs to try to uphold them and strategies to defend them.  We project these onto others or different situations in many ways. See below for the link to my companion post "Worksheet: Connecting the Dots ..." A Few Examples of how Our Unconscious Influences May Play Out If our early life was characterized by an impoverished background and powerlessness, we may... 🔹Have constructed attitudes and belief systems to avoid being poor so that we do not feel disempowered in our in life. These may manifest as a strong need to be successful in life - no matter what ... and 🔹Push everyone in our lives aside. 🔹We may align only with successful people or those we deem can help us get ahead. 🔹We may marry for money. Although many of us may have dreamt of marrying for money—after all having an easy lifestyle is very appealing, most of us don’t fall into that trap. 🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹 If a sense of victimization typified our early life experience as a result of having maybe, an abusive parent, we may ... 🔹Have become controlling or overly aggressive to avoid being hurt or becoming a victim in life. 🔹When overly aggressive, we cause conflict in our relationships. 🔹If our innate character is quiet we may have internalized these earlier hurtful emotions and become passive-aggressive as a protective strategy. Further internalizing new hurts and pains, we become more disempowered in life. 🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹 This post is based in concepts in my books, Your Journey to Peace  ..., and Why We Are the Way We Are  About my Books I also offer a variety of Writing Services 🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹🔹 Here's a Personal Example My mother was a 1950s housewife who was unhappy, distant, and morose. She alienated herself from life and didn’t find joy in anything. Because my father was an aggressive, loud bully, she fell into a poor-me, passive, victim mentality. (She actually had many medical issues, including an unrelated thyroid all her life that affected her, but I didn't know that when growing up. I was hurt by her being emotionally distant, and I hated her morose, poor-me attitudes. So, when I married at nineteen and had my first child just as I turned twenty-three, I decided there was NO WAY I was going to be a meek housewife; I associated this with being weak and a victim of one’s circumstances. While that was a [...]

Understanding the Unconscious Influences that Run Our Lives2022-05-27T21:24:53+00:00

The Qualities of Love / the Qualities of Fear

2022-02-15T05:03:25+00:00

All thoughts, attitudes, and actions stem from either love or from fear. What we are feeling and how we are being has its basis either in love, or in fear. All unease and negative outward expressions are based on some sort of fear. From the highest perspective there is only love! Everything else stems from fear.  The underlying fears within us surface - one way or another - in the many negative or unproductive ways we deal with life. This concept is so hard to hear and even harder to believe. Our mind just cannot wrap itself around the idea that “I am angry because of a fear.” Of course, we think NO WAY! I am angry because he/she said/did this to me. However, if we peel back the layers of why we are angry, it boils down to some type of fear. (My Worksheet: Connecting the Dots can help us link what we are feeling or what is causing unwanted reactions - to a fear we may not be aware of.  A printout copy is available from my book). This blog article is based on concepts in my books:   About My Books   Why We Are the Way We Are; Your Journey to Peace ...   About My Books (You will also find information on this link for my 2 upcoming books: 1) Overcome Your Unconscious Influences, like Anger, Frustration, Hurt Feelings, and Blaming Others for Your Unhappiness"  - due out early 2022."Relationship Intelligence ... " due out Spring 2022. To stay updated,  Sign-Up for my free monthly Newsletter 🔹🔹🔹 Our positive feelings and attitudes come from the love we feel within ourselves and from our being connected to our True Self and aligned with the love it embodies. Our negative thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and actions are based on fears amassed from the impressions and interpretations we have gathered from our life experiences now buried in our Emotional Bodies and played out through our Unconscious Influences. These fears need a voice and are usually released in dysfunctional ways as we project them out into the world. Below, Illustration 4 shows some of the aspects of love, and Illustration 5 shows some aspects of fear. Love All the joy and passion that we feel and the harmony that manifests in our lives, and all the other positive attitudes (many shown in illustration 3) stem from love. We are able to bring these about because we are connected to the spark that we emanated from. There is a memory of that spark within all of us, and it is easily accessible - as long as we have not erected roadblocks to squelch the connection. In positive, loving people, that connection can show up in either overt or covert ways, depending on their personalities. Even when the connection is stifled, as was in my case, it can still be accessed with external reminders. A baby’s smile, a spectacular sunset, the abandonment that arises in us from the exhilaration of an extreme sport, or the passion that [...]

The Qualities of Love / the Qualities of Fear2022-02-15T05:03:25+00:00

Worksheet: Connecting the Dots to My Inner – and Outer Reactions and their Root Cause

2021-10-06T12:44:41+00:00

Negative or inappropriate reactions are the result of living on the surface level of our emotional world. We are either disconnected from our current emotions out of fear of what we may find, or we are unaware that Unconscious Influences - past emotional upsets or hurts are running our lives and causing us to feel bad or react badly. This post is a companion to my article Understanding the Unconscious Influences that Run Our Lives Having no true connection to the honesty of our feelings and the depth of our emotions, we react from unconscious emotional states that have no bearing upon others or current situations - rather than respond to what is really happening. Connecting the dots between what we are feeling and how we are reacting can help us overcome negative, inappropriate,  and ineffective attitudes and behaviors. Worksheet: Connecting the Dots to My Inner - and Outer Reactions and their Root Cause 🧡Always take a few moments to center yourself, ask your Higher Self, God, Spirit - of any diety you adhere to join you in understanding -  and overcoming what is causing you difficulties. Write out your thoughts - and what comes to you regarding what you are trying to understand and/or heal about yourself and your communications with others.  Here are a few examples. You may see yourself here; if not, you'll get the idea. We are looking at the real causes of our upsets or issues with others - so that we can get to the root causes and gain more understandin- enabling us to shift to healthier ways of dealing with our feelings and reactions with others. Example # 1: I Get Hurt Feelings: He/she forgot. I feel he/she doesn’t love, value, or appreciate me. I don’t feel loved, valued, or appreciated. Connecting the Dots: (You may see yourself in some - or all of these) I feel hurt when others don't show me love, appreciation, or  meet my expectations (Were your expectations voiced,  or heard by the other?) I need love, appreciation, and validation from people (I feel frustrated and unloved when I don't get validated for my efforts or the love I give) Others haven’t always loved, valued, or appreciated me. ( the 1st Ah-ha moment that connects back to past feelings of being unloved or appreciated) The big Ah-ha moment: I recognize now that I am projecting the lack of love and validation that I felt in the past into present circumstances and am putting unfair expectations on those around me. As well as my personal development, self-help, and spiritual writing, I am also a copywriter and offer many types of writing services My Writing Services.  Example # 2: I am impatient and fly off the handle easily: I'm always busy and have lots to do. I don't have time for anything that delays my plans. I am impatient with people who are calm. It's not my fault - I just get caught up in things. Connecting the Dots: (You may [...]

Worksheet: Connecting the Dots to My Inner – and Outer Reactions and their Root Cause2021-10-06T12:44:41+00:00

Journaling: A Path to Peace, Happiness, and Harmonious Relationships

2021-09-24T18:35:04+00:00

Journaling – in one form or another – has been part of our history for eons. The drawings in the caves of the ancients, the various scriptures, and historical documentations give us glimpses into our past and the diverse cultural practices of our ancestors. In more recent times, many of us journaled to document our lives and express ourselves. Today, we understand the value of journaling as a tool to help us and for self-understanding and self-healing. At this point in Humanity's evolution, we are called to embrace the Me-And-You notion. To do so, we must embrace the concepts of love: become more loving, compassionate, fairer, generous, cooperative, and accepting of ALL others. To embrace the Me-And-You notion and extend the qualities of love towards others, we must love and understand ourselves. Self-understanding Leads to Self-healing  Because of Humanity's past, we all come from a place of woundedness. And we have not learned to unconditionally love ourselves – and others. Our woundedness causes us to be sensitive, easily get hurt feelings, and needy for love. And it is our woundedness that causes us to act in ways that hurt or disappoint others. We feel and react from our woundedness – rather than respond to what is currently happening. Inappropriate reactions cause us to further get hurt feelings, create more upsets in our lives and with others, become dysfunctional – or even addictive, and cause discord in our relationships Our woundedness comes from our inheritance of the attitudes and behaviors our ancestors had to adopt to survive, birthing a Me-Versus-You way of navigating the world. As well as my spiritual/personal development writing, I am also a Copywriter. See My Writing Services My writing is based on My Books, Your Journey to Peace …, and Why We Are the Way We Are The repercussions of the negative, hurtful, and divisive attitudes and behaviors of the me-versus-you concept became entrenched in our DNA throughout the centuries until it became our default. Society's default way of navigating the world has mainly been through the negative and divisive attitudes and behaviors of fear, greed, judgment, biases, competition, and suspicion of others – especially those different from us. Negative and divisive attitudes and behaviors constrict our being. The connection to our power base weakens. We become disempowered. When disempowered, we look to feel empowered from outside of ourselves. We then become stuck in a vicious cycle of attempting to feel empowered through disempowering, constricting methods, further weakening our power base. Getting angry and lashing out; being critical, judgmental, or defensive; resorting to blaming or trying to control others, and being passive-aggressive are all tactics that come from feeling disempowered. Rather than give us what we want, these ways of countering further constrict our being. Woundedness Passes on from Generation to Generation Those supposed to love and protect us have been wounded by those supposed to love them. They may have hurt us or been emotionally distant, leaving us with a scarred heart and confused emotions. Many of us developed protective/defensive mechanisms to [...]

Journaling: A Path to Peace, Happiness, and Harmonious Relationships2021-09-24T18:35:04+00:00

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